Shepherding a Child's Heart

For the past couple months I have been doing a bible study up at church studying the book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. With my third child on the way I am definitely feeling the pressure to raise my children in a godly way. It has really challenged me to grow as a parent. This book has been a good resource to turn to, it has encouraged and strengthened me. I feel like I have new found direction and a purpose as I "shepherd" my children. Before reading this book I was operating in survival mode rather than exercising purposeful parenting. Subconsciously I had a basic purpose for how I disciplined and why I was disciplining my child, everybody does. We are attempting to raise a child who obeys, is respectful, and responsible. As Christian parents we are called to go so much deeper than that though. I desire to raise godly children, I just don't know how to begin at such a young age. A lot of parenting help books out there address the behavior of a child and help you troubleshoot to fix a certain "behavior" your child is exhibiting. This book however challenges you to look deeper and address the heart that drives the behavior. Luke 6:45 "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Communication partnered with discipline is key. "It must include encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, and prayer. You do great harm when you fail to discern what type of communication is appropriate at the moment." Kaley is 3 years old and at the perfect age for me to start digging deeper into what's going on in her heart. Time out works great with her, but I need to go a step further and take the time to explore her heart. I think too often as adults we make the mistake of assuming we know exactly what a 3 year old is thinking when they start having a meltdown. We need to dig deeper though. It's important to understand not just the "what" of the child's action, but also the "why".

1. "What were you feeling when you hit your sister?"
2. "What did your sister do to make you mad?"
3. "Help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things better."
4. "In what other ways could you have responded?"
5. "What does God want you to do?"

Real life example:

Me: "Why did you take your brothers toy away?"
Kaley: "Because I want the toy!" I assumed that was the issue.
Me: "It makes Joshua sad when you take his toy away. Do you want him to be sad?"
Kaley: "Yes." Ok I really wasn't expecting that answer, but it just shows you the sinful heart.
Me: "Kaley does God like it when you make your brother sad?"
Kaley: "No."

So, as well as sending her to time out I taught her that God wants her to love her brother and that she should please others before herself because not only will it make God happy, but it will make her happy too. Instead of hearing a command "share" I took the time to teach her the why. She's only 3 years old, but she listened. She went and got her brother lots of toys and smiled when she saw him laugh, "He's happy Mommy! I made Joshua happy and I obeyed God!" Oh and look Kaley, it made you happy too. :) "Shepherding a child's heart means helping them understand themselves, God's works, the ways of God, how sin works in the human heart, and how the gospel comes to them at the most profound levels of human need. It involves helping them understand their motivations, goals, wants, wishes and desires."

"You must become a good listener. You will miss precious opportunities when you only half-listen to your children. The best way you can train your children to be active listeners is by actively listening to them." Obviously this takes a lot of work. It's easier to just throw your kid in time out, give them a pop on the butt or say, "You're grounded." It's time consuming to go at the heart. This will modify how much time you have to do other things. The cost is high. Realistically as parents we are tired and worn out. I like what the lady leading our class said, "Make the time to do this 3 times a day and you're doing ok." Lol.

The book also addresses some common disciplining that we do and the negative side effects they can have on our children. I was shocked! For instance, the reward system. Rewarding good behavior in some tangible way; ignore or perhaps punish bad behavior. "Children should not be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities (ex. chore charts). The heart will be trained to greedy self-interest and obtaining rewards. The child is not taught to look out for the interests of others. The child learns nothing about being under authority because God is God and the parent is his agent. The child does not learn biblical reasons for integrity, responsibility or, for example, neatness in one's room. They learn to be selfish and that when no one is around to notice good behavior and reward them then there's no point in being good." Mom's love those cute chore charts, but you've got to admit he makes a good point.

"Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. However we teach our children to pander to their desires and wishes. We teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We attempt to satisfy their lust for excitement. We fill their young lives with distractions from God. We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God. They must be taught that they are creatures made in the image of God - made for God." Anyone else feeling convicted?!

Anyway, I could regurgitate this whole book to you there are so many good things in it. I have a completely new perspective on my purpose as I parent. It's encouraging learning with a room full of women full of insight and completely understanding of the struggle of being a parent. I have really enjoyed doing this bible study with them.