A Purposeful Marriage

Here's a mind bomb for you. What if God didn't design marriage to be "easier"? What if God had a purpose in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? I've been reflecting a lot on marriage lately and had an "aha moment" this week while reading the book Sacred Marriage that I wanted to share with you.

"What if God designed marriage to make us more Christ-like more than to make us happy?"

This is kind of a continuation from my last post Rules to Fighting Fair. Anyone with a hand full of anniversaries under their belt knows that one day the wedding bells stop ringing. You've heard the saying before, the honeymoon is over. The excitement of courtship is replaced by the pursuit of careers, crying babies, dirty laundry, and leftovers. You suddenly find yourself having to work to keep the romance alive. Priorities shift and over time we can become complacent in our marriage. No one with experience will deny that marriage is a challenge and some thing that you have to work at daily. I would even go so far as to say that love is not effortless. Anyone who enters into marriage unaware of or in denial of the rough road ahead is going to be completely blindsided when their "one true love" doesn't live up to their expectations. We can run from the challenges of marriage or we can admit that our fairy tale isn't going to be perfect and that that's ok. In fact, the friction may even be part of "the plan" serving a greater purpose in our lives.

As a couple begins experiencing difficulties in their marriage we see different responses:

1. They break up the relationship and try to recreate a passionate romance with someone else.
2. Marital guerrilla warfare ensues. The couple falls into a passive-aggressive power play where they blame each other for their personal dissatisfaction or lack of excitment in the marriage.
3. After having given up on ever "rekindling the flame" of their marriage, they decide to simply get along. A common response if children are involved. They stay together for the "sake of the kids" and learn to coexist under the same roof, but with as little interaction with each other as possible.
4. They pursue a deeper meaning to their relationship, work through their problems and find solutions. 

This book I'm reading presents a new perspective of marriage for us to consider. Gary Thomas writes, "God designed a purpose in this challenge (marriage) that transcends something as illusionary as happiness." Meaning, maybe God had a higher goal in mind when he created marriage that goes beyond just making us happy? "Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise." Yes, good point. Before I married my love I was independant, self sufficient, and only had to look out for myself. Turns out that translated into selfishness when I began living with another person. My husband has always been quite selfless which contrasted sharply with my natural selfishness. My selfishness couldn't have been more blatantly obvious as he graciously put me first. I was going to have to change. "Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life." The conflicts that arise in a marriage reminds us daily that we are sinful, selfish beings living in a broken world as we struggle against the self.

What a great perspective to have as we struggle during hard times in our marriage. Instead of being discouraged when your marriage isn't perfect, expect it! Focus on the good that has come from working through your differences and remind yourself that these are opportunities to grow. "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18 Even if you stumble you're still moving forward. Some times good things fall apart so better things can fall together. I am afraid to imagine who I would be had I not been forced to change through my marriage. What if I was never challenged to truly put another person first? What if I was never confronted with my flaws? Who would I have become? God can transform us in many other ways, but none more abrasive than through two sinful people pledging to live together, with all their faults, for the rest of their lives! Hahaha !!SURPRISE!! and you thought living happily ever after proceded the wedding! Little did you know it would be a merciless revealer of the darkest places of our human nature! Here is a great quote from the book, "If I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I'd need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. In fact, you might even say, the more difficult my spouse proved to be, the more opportunity I'd have to grow."

As our relationship progressed I also learned that what I crave more than anything else is an intimate relationship with Christ, and if that relationship was right I wasn't making such severe demands of my marriage. I cannot look to my husband to be God for me or he will fail me every time. "We need to remind ourselves of the ridiculousness of looking for something from other humans that only God can provide." It's silly to compare our physical strength with God's, but how many times do we look to others to fulfill us? I agree with the author that much of the dissatisfaction of marriage comes from us expecting too much from it. 

Let's get real.

There have been times where I have cried myself to sleep at night next to a cold shoulder feeling misunderstood and uncared for. I have had my feelings trampled on, scolded, and made to feel like they were unimportant. Some times my best friend doesn't want to listen to me. Other times he listens but doesn't hear a word I'm saying. I have felt unprotected, abandoned, and betrayed. My husband is a wonderful man ... the only man I'd want to share this walk of life with, but he will not always be exactly what I need him to be for me. He does not complete me nor can he fill the void that God wants to fill in my life. Understand and accept this truth or you will continue to feel that ache.

Don't misunderstand me. Marriage is wonderful, full of moments of happiness, meaning, and fullfillment! I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. There is nothing better than having your favorite person in the world stuck with you whether he likes it or not, seperated only by death (one way or another), bound by a legal document, and held accountable to his vows by GOD and my Daddy. :) Never do you appreciate companionship more than when they are by your side, holding your hand, walking with you through life. When marriage get's hard though and you're experiencing a season of unhappiness, it's good to be reminded that happiness isn't always the point. Reflecting back, the trials and tribulations have definitely brought us closer. Marriage chisels away at our imperfections and is capable of transforming us to become more Christ-like. Marriage matures our love for each other beyond a superficial love.

There is a purpose to your marriage that goes beyond your happiness.