Rules to Fighting Fair

"Written or spoken, words are continuously propelling us through life. They lift us up, drag us down, wound us deeply or heal our hearts. Words have the power to break confidences, build life long alliances or start wars. Words can make or break us, both as individuals and as a society. What have you been saying lately? The words you speak can have a profound effect on the people they reach. Are you encouraging or discouraging? Are you building up your children, your spouse, your friend? Or are you tearing down your own family with words of criticism, bitterness and judgment?"

I like the perspective this article called, You Never Marry the Right Person gave about marriage. "We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." Marriage can turn into a fierce battle ground. The honeymoon period will fade. Personalities will clash. We become aware of the other persons flaws. The qualities that you once admired in your partner while you were dating could become points of contention. Then BOOM. You will begin to think the other person needs to change. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love?” Therefore, communication becomes one of the most important and challenging parts of a marriage. Do not underestimate the power of words.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are raising (almost) 3 children together. We have moved four times since taking our vows. We've been at each others side through good times and bad. The stress of life can be absolutely overwhelming. We've experienced the loss of loved ones, parents divorcing, parents remarrying, a miscarriage, hunting season, six deployments, stressful jobs, trouble with finances, selling a house in a failing economy, transitioned our 2 year old to a toddler bed, NEWBORNS, extended family drama, we've unpacked personal baggage, cared for each other while recovering from surgeries, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Love sustains our marriage, but when love isn't enough God has been our foundation.

Back before we had kids we attended a marriage enrichment retreat in Florida put on by the Army. We went because it was free. They put you up in a fancy hotel on the beach for the weekend. Unexpectedly what we learned during one of the sessions ended up becoming "ground rules" for our marriage. Rules that have saved us from a lot of hurt, and our relationship is stronger and growing (not stagnant) because of it. We practice communicating in a healthy way. I say "practice" because the tongue is difficult to tame. Here is what we learned. We printed the following out, posted it on the fridge so we would often see it, and began following the Rules to Fighting Fair.

Non-negotiable:

1. No swearing or obscenities.
2. No sarcasm, contempt, or taunting.
3. No name calling or belittling.
4. No talk of divorce.
5. No yelling. Speak softly.
6. No character assassination. No exaggeration, misleading half-truths, or manipulation of facts to make the other person look bad or to fit your argument.
7. No garbage dumping. No referring to past mistakes and incidences.
8. No using "always" and "never". These are exaggerations and usually puts the other person on the defense.
9. No interrupting.
10. No throwing objects, punching holes in walls, or slamming doors to express anger.
11. No leaving the house without saying, "I'll be back."

Most of these we have been practicing not doing for so long that they have become habit. For instance, I don't have to remind myself not to swear at my husband, call him names, or storm out of the house. It begins as following rules, but becomes something you do out of respect for the other person and because it's wrong. This is the person that you love. There are going to be times when you slip up, so you STOP and say you're sorry. Take a break. Cool off, calm down, and get perspective. Try and figure out how to express yourself in a positive way. Then go back to following the rules.

Helpful Tips:

1. Paraphrase what you think you hear your partner saying. Such a simple way to avoid miscommunication, assumptions, and hurt feelings! Tell them what you think they are trying to communicate to you, "Ok so what you're saying is..."
2. When necessary, take a time out.
3. Keep emotions under control. You aren't always going to be able to control your emotions during a disagreement so when you feel yourself losing control, step away. Take a break. It is surprising how different your outlook can be if you give yourself a moment to calm down.
4. Don't waste your time arguing about details. "You were 15 minutes late..." No, I wasn't I was 13... really??
5. Don't play games. Be direct and honest about what you want and need. Don't manipulate the other person. Examples of games are: poor me, silent treatment, martyr, don’t touch me, uproar, "If it weren’t for you…", "See what you made me do!" and "If you loved me…"

6. Spend more time listening - REALLY LISTENING - to what your partner is saying than planning what you are going to say next.

I don't claim to have the perfect marriage, but if I could share one thing with young married couples this would be it. Do not underestimate the power of words.