Everything is Meaningless

I've been going through this interesting ... thing lately. I'm not out of my 20's yet so I can't really call it a mid life crisis. Maybe more of a stay-at-home-mom crisis. For 5 years now I've put my career to the side to devote myself to being a mother. I am lucky to be able to do that first of all. It's tough though because I'm not really one of those people who has always aspired to be a homemaker. I loved working as a nurse and I still want to go to grad school. I want to travel and do missions. I love challenging myself and forever learning. I feel like I sell myself short at home stuck in the endless cycle of cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I don't have many options though as a "single mom". I don't have family close enough to help and I have too many kids to afford childcare. Nurses work 12 hour shifts and even if I could find a daycare that would keep them that long my kids wouldn't be happy in that situation. My goodness, imagine spoiled to death Tay without a mommy at her beck and call?? Who would care to listen to all her whining?? Lol. That would just make me sad. So, for now I'm here to stay.

What I'm dealing with is how to find satisfaction as a SAHM. The other week we came home from a stressful trip and I was trying to figure how to "reset". I am more of an introvert than I thought I was. I recharge off by myself. I need QUIET to de-stress. So how does an introvert recover with 3 loud kids running around the house?? My husband was on leave that week and he was more than willing to watch the kids, but I was like - what do I go do? What do I like to do? Do I have an interest of some kind that I can go do to unwind? I like working out, but I was tired and I didn't feel like killing myself at the gym just to have some alone time. Who am I these days?? All I do is take care of kids and do housework! College and nursing was so life consuming that I really didn't have time for much else. Take nursing away from me and what's left? I ended up at a coffee shop for some quiet time because when I don't know what else to do I turn to my best friend for answers.

I've been doing some soul searching since this crisis of self started. I've been reading Ecclesiastes. I don't think I have ever read this book so intently. It's fantastic! This book was written by King Solomon. It was kind of like his memoir. A reflection of his life. He's studied everything, gained all knowledge and wisdom. He's built cities and completed great projects. He denied himself nothing he desired, but at the end of his life he said, "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc. 2:11 and I can totally relate to this. Don't get me wrong being a mother is the most important job of my life. However, some days you look at another dirty kitchen, more laundry to wash, and my gosh these kids expect to be fed again??? And I feel like, this is all MEANINGLESS! I am not satisfied with this job! I am not happy being at home day in and day out as a homemaker! Then I read this verse, 

"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work - this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart." Ecc. 2:26, 5:19 

To accept his lot and be happy in his work. I could be working towards my masters and doing shifts at a hospital, but unless God enables me to enjoy my work then I will not be happy. How many people do you see that have everything that could possibly make one happy and yet they're not? "A chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." 

I have many good things in my life. My job right now is here at home. Some times people say, "I don't know how you do it." God keeps me occupied with gladness of heart. I won't be doing this forever. In a few years I will have all the time in the world to pursue everything I could possibly reach for. Right now though these kids are getting a head start at life with 24/7 love and discipline. I do need to find some things that interest me. Things that I enjoy doing so I can stay balanced and not lose myself completely to motherhood. Until my job here at home is done (or at least less time consuming) God can enable me to accept my lot and be happy in my work even as a boring stay at home mom. ;) So, that is what I will be praying for in the months to come. I just thought I would share what's been on my heart lately in case you reading this share in the same struggles. Hugs to you if you are and I hope this helps.