Juggling Act

My work is never done. I am in a constant state of motion. My to do list is never ending. I don't get to clock out at a certain time every day. I don't get a break from my job. I don't get weekends off. I am on call 24/7 and there is no end in sight. I put others needs before my own. I have 5 minutes to eat dinner which is often interrupted by requests for more of this, more of that, or a fussy baby ready for a bath. 7:30 p.m. Kids are in bed. Back to work. Dirty kitchen to clean up, laundry to finish, toys to pickup, living room to reassemble ... back to my to do list. Yes I could hang up my apron, prop up my feet, and call it a night but then everything would pile up on me for the next day and I would waste precious time that I could be spending with my kids chasing after an unreachable goal. My responsibilities are overwhelming. At one point today I was simultaneously putting together paperwork that needed to be overnighted to close on our house, phone to my ear trying to get a hold of my husband for a copy of his I.D., fixing lunch for Kaley, pulling my 5 month old out of the trash can, working on the laundry cycle (washer, dryer, fold, put away), mopping, cleaning windows, paying forgotten bills, and transferring money for a certified check. All the sudden I stopped and was like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? *deep breath*

I am not the controlling type. I am a I don't care if you don't do it my way, just get it done type of person especially now that I have two kids. These things just fall on me though. My husband get's home from work tired, as am I, but I feel bad asking him to get up off the couch and clean the kitchen when he crashes. I figure he knows what needs to be done around here, I don't need to point it out, so if he doesn't lend a hand then I take care of it because it needs to be done. And he does clean the kitchen, fold a load of clothes, or take out the trash every now and then but these are daily responsibilities that are always needing to be done. I start projects that I can't finish because I just don't have the time. I got a professional camera 2 years ago that I still don't know how to properly use, the farthest I've gotten scrap-booking is when we took KALEY home from the hospital, I could be savings hundreds of dollars with coupons if I just could find the time to sit down and find some deals, I have a half finished quilt I started when I was pregnant with Kaley, I created a cool blog for couponing that I don't have time to update. I have days when I feel like the chores are all only half finished because I get pulled from one room to the next depending on the temperament of the children. 

Things don't have to change. It would be nice, but I am a strong, independent woman and time management and motivation are a strength of mine. I can handle the load. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I guess I just want to feel appreciated, not taken for granted, and have to remind myself that I am working towards a bigger goal, for a greater good. I want my husband to know how hard I work. I want him to understand that I am go-go-going all day long running a household and taking good care of his children. Just because I'm not pulling in a paycheck doesn't mean that I'm not working my butt off every day. It's not that he doesn't say thank you because he does, every now and then. He helps get the kids bathed and off to bed every night. I get an hour and a half every once and a while to spend some alone time at the gym while he watches the kids. He is in no way lazy, he is a good man and he works hard every day. I'm not complaining about him or his attitude towards me. Is this pressure that I put on myself to be a perfect housewife? No, I don't think so. My husband expects a clean house, neatly folded clean clothes in his closet, and a home cooked meal when he get's home from work. These things need to be done, simple as that. Am I spread out too thin? Possibly. I think most properly functioning stay at home mom's are. THIS IS JUST HARD. Some days I feel like it would be easier if I did have a full time job! At least then I could leave work behind me and have limits to what is required of me. At home I am everything to everybody. A cook, waitress, house cleaner, mother, wife, laundromat, teacher, financial advisor, handyman, entertainer, nurse, motivational speaker, sexy wife, therapist, etc. I wear many hats.

I know there are other women out there that can relate to how I feel tonight and I want you to read this because there is just something about having someone suffer along with you that encourages you to go on. As sick and twisted as that is you know it's true. Knowing that someone else out there understands the struggles you face strengthens you because that means you are not alone in this marathon called life. Every person that nods their head in agreement while reading this makes me feel better already! A friend of mine posted this tonight on her blog. It's an excerpt from a story I had read a few years ago but had since forgotten. It was nice to be reminded of, especially tonight. Do you believe that nothing you do, no matter how trivial, goes unnoticed by God? That every effort, no matter how small, is progression towards a greater goal? Does it really matter if we don't get the recognition along the way that we (think we) deserve when the end product is so magnificent? I changed up the words a bit to fit my day. Just listen to that soft voice, let the words seep into your heart and encourage you. Wake up tomorrow morning ready to keep on running towards the finish line. 

"I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no dinner you've slaved over, no bathroom you've cleaned, no peanut butter sandwich you've cut special to please a child, no shirt you've neatly folded and put away, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. It is very possible that one day the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of an invisible mother. 

I hope to one day sit at the feet of Jesus, whom the approval of means more to me than any other, and hear him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Could you imagine?!? Gives me goosebumps just picturing it! It will make all these hard days serving my family as an invisible mother all worth it.